Why We Conform to Fit In, and What Bullying Has to Do With It

Most of us learned early that fitting in feels safe. We learned it on playgrounds, in classrooms, and at the dinner table, long before we had words for it.

Debbie Harrell, host of the New World Normal Podcast, joined me on the DaliTalks Podcast and shared where that lesson started for her. As a kid she was scrawny and raised by a single mom at a time when that was less common. She was on her own a lot, and she became a target for bullying. Looking back, she realized why she spent so many years trying to be seen as normal. Conforming kept her safe.

That honest answer stayed with me, because it is true for so many of us. We may not have been bullied the way Debbie was, but we all learned that standing out can cost us something.

When conforming becomes the plan

Those early lessons do not disappear when we grow up. They turn into the plan. We check the boxes we were told to want. We tie our identity to our job title. We measure success by what we are told success looks like.

Debbie says that when she asks clients what they actually want, the most common answer is, "I don't know. I have never given myself permission to think about it." Our culture puts so much emphasis on what we do that we forget who we are. And I will add a question I recently asked myself for the first time: what does my inner child need?

What competition has to do with bullying

I asked Debbie whether bullying will ever end. Her answer was thoughtful. In systems built on competition and scarcity, where it feels like there are only so many pieces of the pie, people fight to get theirs. Bullying is not likely to disappear there. But in more cooperative, collaborative spaces, where there is enough for everyone, the need for it shrinks.

I have heard people say bullying is necessary. Debbie called that belief heartbreaking, and I agree. Behind it is usually someone who learned the world is a place you have to fight to survive in.

What parents and educators can do

• Ask "What do you want?" and "Who are you?" Ask kids, and ask yourself, separate from grades, sports, and titles. Make it safe to answer "I don't know yet."
• Help kids feel safe being different. If kids conform for safety, the job is to build safety, so they do not have to shrink to belong.
• Make room. When I cleared out a spare bedroom full of toys, my kids were upset at first, and then calmer. Fewer things and a lighter schedule leave space to hear ourselves.
• Hold space for both. Debbie teaches flexible thinking and looking for glimmers, small moments of joy that remind us good things are happening alongside hard ones. It is not toxic positivity. She says it is neuroscience.
• Build awareness without shame, blame, or guilt. The goal is to see how things work, acknowledge it, and ask, "What if we did things a little differently?"

You can start today

You do not have to overhaul your life to question one norm. Pick one "should" you do on autopilot, and ask where it came from. If you want help, Debbie offers a free guide to get started. Get it here.

Listen to my full conversation with Debbie Harrell on Episode 130 of the DaliTalks Podcast.

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